Xanax Addiction, sleep deprivation, and physical agony without medication, also we can't close our eyes.  if you dont get xanax every few hours or so, you can't close your eyes, no matter how hard you try...and sleep is like a memory, when you don't have Xanax in your system within a few hours.  The voices came when i was twenty one, and i dropped out of college the day i started hearing the voices.  i was too ashamed to go to class!  They cam all at once, my whole family talking, and by then they had been reading my mind and all i could do was listen to the radio.  I was understandably partly delusional, but I argue I was more confused by this treatment of myself than anything.. I am not very good at comprahending evil, but i can suffer evil!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

The heavy-duty antipsychotics I was immetiately put on at age eighteen, were countless huge pills; it took me five minutes to swallow three times a day.  Haldol, Geodon, etc... im still on Geodon three times a day.  But when they first slowed down my mind, i was like a dumb dead person or a drowning soul in a mind being smothered by chemicals.  Pills.  I was unable to think clearly, wake up before 11am, i would sleepwalk to the refrigerator and wake up with food in my mouth, passed out.  The pills dimmed my mind and sou and emotions, it was like being numb.  they cut off my hair.  I became ugly.  It was hard.  The antipsycotics dumbed me down so that i had to really focus to study as i was going through the next six years of college, i had to read sentences again and again.  My grade plummetted.  I was ugly.  I was so lonely and lost back then.  If It hadn't been for my grandparent,s I would have died somehow...or been permanently committed to the asylum.
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

The First Time I Got Into The System was when I was eighteen years old, around 2003-4, in may. I left my college prelaw class because I had terrible menstrual cramps. Icalled my grandparents.  They Drove me to the hospital Emergency Room and I told Them I had Terrible Abdominal Pain, but...they committed me against my will.  They put me in a neon green scrubs and put me into a kind of 24-hour surveillance cell room with a window.  I kept asking for my textbooks for prelaw so I could study.  I really had no idea that I was going to be driven in a police care at 2am-5am to a mental hospital very far from home, and thinkinng, "This morning I was in a business Law Class..." I was too confused.  It's hard to explain arriving there at the age of eighteen.  I still have no idea Why They though I was dangerous or crazy.  But my grandpa was crying like a baby, and I kind of got used to my loved ones Crying and weeping while they held my hand, whether they were visiting me or when I was being put back into the hospital.  Once you get out, there's nothing there for you.....unless you have money.  Crazy people, once comitted once, cannot legally ever work at a job again. We cannot marry. We cannot legally have children...
it's against the government laws.  Which I think is absurd, but that's because I am a victim of the system.  I wanted to know WHY?  Why Had they committed me without talking to me?  Was it my pixie cut?  Was it a government cover-up?  I don't think the good people will ever know.  But I can and will, testify of many many experiences I had in those places.
 Amen!

When I try to remember my past and hospitalization, i seem to remember,
again and again, every time I got released from the hospitals.  I remember Walking out.
Out of that dark dim hell where there is no joy and nobody dreams and beauty and magic are madness
where insult is treatment and blood tests are punishments, in windowless dark rooms
I just remember the vision  of myself walking out of the hospital about ten times  and it was
Freedom at the very purest form.  being released from a psych ward into bright sunlight is a
kind of heavenly, magical feeling.  Freedom is exhilarating i just remember the sunlight how dim my eyes would become whenever I was hospitalized-- there was no sunlight in the hospitals...
and seeing the light of sunshine on a warm afternoon....or a winter sunset....or a dewy may morning.
I would get my things, get into my car or my parents' car, and... Drive Away!  Freedom is hard to explain.
So all these weeks everything you ever did was stupid and crazy and shameful and low and wrong...suddenly when you get released into the world, it's like starting over again and you learn to appreciate the simple things in life like sunlight and fast food and cell phones and cars.  I am incredibly grateful for my freedom now, and am terrified beyond comprehension of being comitted ever again.  My heart has been broken in those places beyond sane treatment and I was tortured, time after time, and when I was released, I just remember stepping into the bright sunlight and feeling the word, "Hallelujah!" Then slowly adjusting to this rediscovered freedom of being a citizen... you don't likely realize how lucky citizens are to have freedoms that people outside of hospitals have.
When you are in a Psychiatric hospital, you "have no soul" and you have no rights to your own body.
You have no rights over your own mind, your soul-- any opinions are ignored if not punished.  There was so much pain in these hospitals, people dying, and i met the nicest people i ever met were fellow psychiatric patients.  I made countless friends and knowing they are still out there somewhere.... that is so wonderful of a feeling to me, that all the people I lvoed and knew are by now Freed from the overrule of the mind, body and soul.  Psychiatric hospitals tell you you have Zero Rights.  Zero rights over your body.  I have been tortured physically and I remember being naked and covered in suction cups attatched to a computer for hours, that was probably the most painful and humiliated feeling, it was traumatizing.  I don't know why they would do that to patients ever time they were re-committed, but I think it is like just To Break The Patients' Hearts.  Anyway, they broke mine during those hours,
and i got used to going through it every time i was recommitted.  It was a hell.  I had no rights and no choice as to whether they were going to do to my body and whatever they wanted to do to my body, they could.... we were daily force-fed, and asked what percentage we ate at every meal...there were people in the hospitals who had cancer and were being treated for cancer against their will.  One man in there with me told me he had Stomach Cancer and that He had five weeks expected to live.  I couldn't help being afraid of him, and I'm sure he died there after I got out....he was being fed through a tube and a tube in his stomach, and he would look at me, and smile, or smoke a cigerette, and I tried to comfort him.
I tried to comfort everybody.  I was always a good samaritan, and I'm friendly and kind, and so I would make friends immediately that evach time i was committed, within a day I would always be on a first-name/nickname friendships with these fellow patients, out of pure desparation.  I remember translating a Bible written in Spanish, translating it for my fellow patients, and showing them where to find "Proverbios" etc.  The patients and I would pray together.  We Smokked together.  We Cried together. We had relationships, one of my boyfriends, Kevin, I had met in a psychiatroc ward.  We talked to each other after we were released, on the phone....and dated, and had alot of great sex.  We dated for years.  He was a beautiful 35-year old veteran of the Iraq War and he was considered dangerous, He Had "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder" and was a loved friend i still know him, i am still able to contact him.  I love him.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"Theodore and I Are As Immortal"
Theodore and I are Immortal
 that is how I feel, young and beautiful
I am of the suspicion, the hope, the certainty
 that we shall never die, He and I!  We are immortal
If we have already died, then we are in heaven at home
If we have already died, we are starting to wake up to it
If we haven't yet died, and face death, I pray to the Good Lord
That we never realise that we have died, that we go on living
forever in a reality beyond death, beyond space and time!
I am in heaven on earth, here in my home, with Theodore
I don't believe God has the Heart to take my life, to kill us!
God LOVES US.  Its a powerful force, God's love, even infinite
and if I had a wish for God, it would be that theodore and I
could be immortal, never have to die, never know we die,
just live here together forever and ever, in bliss, with Theodore!
When I feel like I am immortal, that WE, he and I, Are Immortal,
Then there is no death to fear.  We may as well have died years ago
but never knew...and our heaven is immortality together
that the world around us is all transient and subject to change, whereas
Theodore and I are angels and take full trust In the Lord Our God!
If I Ever Die, God, I don't want to know I have died...I want to become
Immortal, never to die again, alongside my husband Theodore!
That is my Wish and PRayer.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"It Has Been Worth Dying Young"
Schizophrenia has been Worth Dying Young.
My Best Friends Have Been Imaginary, They had Personalities
And If I could go back and change my life, I wouldn't!
I Like talking to spirits!  To God!  To The Holy Spirit!
I wouldn't change a thing!  I think those of us who are Gifted
"Touched By God", are beautiful and should not be in hospitals.
They should be free like me, writing poetry as if there were nothing there!
I speak a universal language and I Have Seen Time Slow Down.
I can look at a star in the night and it "talks" to me in a language that can't be spoken!
I can tell anyone what the Stars Say, at any time, and any other thing
The Blowing of the wind through Trees communicates with me too
so does ripples of water and all physical things, are in Perfect Harmony With God
And The Holy Spirit Ties Us All Together As One
I never feel alone.  I can talk to animals, insects, stars and computers
in ways that are not supposed to be possible.  This language isn't "real"!
Yet i speak it and translate the Language of The Holy Spirit very easily into Words.
My Poems are my own personal voice, my Self, ME. they are not
from the voices,  I am the hero in my own story and I know my life is magical
I believe it will have been worth it to die young if i ever do
It is Worth It
I Wish Others Could Hear And Communicate In Thought-Speak
And Twinklings of light and sound, like i can.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"Imaginary Friends"
I've Had Imaginary Friends Who Thought-Speak To Me In My Mind, All My Life!
As a baby I was always communicating with "spirits" and my mother was terrified
As I grew into a child I always had "Imaginary Friends" That talked to me in my head
and they never went away.  Except when i was in public school.  Then they came back at age 18;
In elementary school and in junior high they were gone and everybody thought i was normal.
But in college at the age of eighteen They Came Back, and I Believe That
These Are My Gaurdian Angels.  Over Fifteen Years of adulthood I've Had
About Five "Imaginary Husbands" who told me things I couldn't possibly know
but above all, we loved one another. I remember how happy i was, in my heart.
They Were My Gaurdian Angels.  It has been one year since I have Heard from them...
I Grieve.  I believe I Will see them again in heaven.  And I often think of times spent
spent in happy passing talking to these imaginary voices that only I could hear!
I still hear the voices of my family in my ears, but no imaginary friends...
You could say, "I'm Getting Better"!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen

Is There A World Beyond Space and Time?
Is There A Place We Can all Be Held By Loved Ones?
Is There Recompense For All The Suffering on Earth?
In Death, Do We Go To A Better Place?
Does God Wipe away every Tear From Our Eyes?
I Hear Voices.  The "Are Not Real" They "Don't Exist"
And I Have Been Punished and commited to hospitals many times
For HEaring the Voices Of My Living and Dead Family Members
All Day, Often All Night While I Sleep, My Grandparents And Parents
They Talk to me in my sixth sense.  Literal auditory hallucinations.
My Great Grandmother, Mamaw, Who Has Been Dead For Eight Years, still talks
to me.  She told me she lived inside of my heart now, that I had loved her enough
in mortal life, that she was able to talk to me from heaven.  She is very wise.
I met my husband Theodore Chris Land The Day She Died, and on that day,
as I was crying, I heard Her Voice for the first time, saying, "I've got my angel wings Caroline!"
My parents my mother and father, my four grandparents, and cousins and siblings,
all talk to me different groups of voices, most often, several voices at a time....
What do they say?  They are very critical of me.  They used to tell me to hurt myself, years ago.
But I am such a kind person that they stopped that and started being very critical of my thoughts, deeds and choices as I was making choices in my life...my hallucinations of my family was always yelling in my head at me, always advising me, often criticizing my choices and deeds.
Kind of like an audible conscience.  These family voices serve as my conscience...
The are speaking to me right now, Mamaw and Bumpaw and Mommeea...They are comforting me.
As I grew used to their presence and they noticed how kind I was to them, years ago they began
to comfort me primarily, to strengthen and advise me, to tell me jokes, to love me with compliments
and telling me they love me.  I feel like I am protecting them.  Mamaw always says,
"I am dead, but I lived on in your HEART...That is Why I Am Here.  Because you love me"
They say The reason they talk is because I loved them more than anyone else
and that they would always be present even after my real-life loved oned had died.
They told me they would be with me always because of my love for them, they
live on in my Heart.  The pills don't make them go away...and I
do not want them to go away.  They are like a walking cane I lean on, a crutch.
When I am brokenhearted, the voices are always near to me....
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"My Idea Of Heaven"

My Idea of Heaven, is

To Stand in the Surf 

At The Brink Of The Sea

In My Husband's Arms

At Dawn Or Sunset.

That's Really All I Want

From Eternity!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen!

"My Greatest Gift From God"
My Greatest Gift From God Was, and Is, My Husband.
God's mercy reveals itself in My Theodore Christopher Land.
If There is Hope for Humanity, Then It Lies In Jesus.
For My Husband Is After All So Christlike and Nurturing
That To Be With Him Is HEaven On Earth!
It is God's Greatest Mercy On Me, The Gift of My Husband.
My Husband Theodore Land Is My Greatest Gift From God!
May We Ever Remain Thus!  So Loving And True, My Love!
Death Is Unable To Put Out The Love We Have Together, He and I....
It Burneth, like a Star, On and On into eternity!
No...no, even death itself cannot change what the past held
although it may extinguish the mortal life, Love is eternal!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

"On The Christian God"
How Furious!  What Anger He Has!
If God Has Bothered To Prophecy To Man, Then
Surely Very Likely, Is Is Only That
God Shall Utterly Destroy Us All For Our Sins!
What Happens When Someone Sins, in the Bible?
Honestly They Are Inevitably Destroyed By God
There Is No Amount Of Meat Offerings To Satiate God
The Fat And The Kidneys of Leviticus could never Be Enough
To Give To God as Sacrifice, And His Wrath
Is Forever and Ever!  I Know Why Bad Things Happen.
Bad Things Occur Because God is Angry at Us!
The Angrier He Gets, The Worse Things Are To Become!
Our Christian God Is Mainly Angry.  Motivated By Anger
I Wonder if he breeds new generations only to destroy them again.
I Wonder Why He Made man at all, if not to torment us all for sex and sin?
There is more than enough suffering In Our Lives already
So Stop Sinning And Repent, Or Thee Shall Surely Be Destroyed!
God's Attribute is Anger, and He Is Merciful To Those Who Know That!
They Say That He Who Fears The Lord, May Find Mercy.
That The Fear Of God Is The Beginning Of Wisdom!
Read The Old Testament, and Fear Him!  In the Old Testament
God primarily destroys generations after generations, without mercy!
Sin Not!  Pray Constantly!  Having Read The Bible,
The Only Way To Stay Alive Is To Stop Sinning altogether
And by sinning, I mean Sex and sexuality, primarily.
God Hates It When We Have Sex With One ANother!
His Wrath For Having Sex Is Not Worth The Pleasure of the Sin!
Repent, Repent, all and every One, even I!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

"This, Something Too Profound"
This, Something Too Profound, Has Found Me
Where Softly I Lay In Happy Living Day by Day,
That I Was doomed to die, much earlier than,
The average lifespan of mortal man, yet My Life
 lacks twenty five years of old age, that i Shall Never See!
How, Then, To Take Up Each Day? With What The Aim?
With What Attitude? Where To Aim?  What Shall I Do
With What Precious Time Is Given Left?  I Begged of God
Pardon, Yet God Refuses To Be Merciful or Lenient.  And So,
I Sit Bewildered By The Riddle of my Lifespan Before Me,
Utterly Perplexed at What To Do With What's Left of Living,
However Long That May Be...This, Something Too Profound,
Has Found Out My Bed Of Satin Pink Joy And My Hopes
My Very Life, Does This Prophecy Destroy!  So I Made Up My Mind.
With What is Left, I Seek To Write, To Write What Needs To Be Told.
I seek To Enjoy What Time Is Left No Less, Perhaps a little more,
though Grim is the Waiting of Death...I shall try to ignore my fears
And Write As Though I Held eternity in my heart and Soul, as though
All Secrets of Poetry are startled Birds Gasping To Fly From My Lips
As Though There Were no amount of tears that I could Shed For My Life
For there aren't enough to shed, so I shall shed no more.  No more tears.
We Must Make Do With What Time Is Left...And I Want To Write Poetry
No Treasures or Toys Could Satiate My Pain, Yet In Poetry, In Writing
There is immortality, that the songs of my heart and soul will forever remain!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

"Yes, I had Some Dreams"
Yes, I Had Some Dreams
Dreams of happiness and beauty
But now we are Penniless and Scorned upon
These Dreams mean nothing to them
My life is so hard that they will never come true.
I pray to God to see my treasures in Heaven Someday
And It isn't going to be a long time before I Get There
Jesus said, "Blessed are the Poor" and not to accumulate
 treasures on earth, but in heaven.... is there even life after death?
I face a lifetime cut in half, and I still can't imagine life after death
so how are my treasures going to come to me in heaven, when
i am not even sure if there IS a heaven....?
Yes, I Had Some Dreams
Dreams that will never come true
There is nothing I Can Do To Help It
I don't even have that long to live!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"We're Running Out Of Time"
We're Running Out Of Time To Change The World
We need to do the most Good With What We Have Left
For The Most People, and Love The Most Possible
We Need To Listen to the Entire Bible Again and Again
We're Going To NEed That To Defend Ourselves
Besides, God Tells The most Incredible stories in the Bible
Don't Judge God--
It is God That Judges Us, In The End,
Not The Other Way Around,  So Do not Judge God.
Instead Try To LISTEN To What God Is Saying
What He Wants, What You Can Do For Him
We're Running Out of Time To Save The World!
//After all this earth-life is only a temporary phase,
But I Love This Living World, and It Needs Help.
We're Running Out of Time....////
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

"We Have Time Enough"
Thank God We Have Time Enough,
Time Enough To Love and Be Loved
Time Enough To Write and Paint And Create
Time Enough To Age And Snuggle in Bed
Time Enough To Live a better life
Time enough to do More Good Deeds
Time Enough To Prepare To Meet God
Time Enough To Set Records Straight
Time Enough To Write my Heart Out
Time Enough To Just Be Happy!
Time Enough to live a fuller life!
Thank God, We Have Time Enough
That is The Gift Of God's Grace, To Me!
How BEautiful It Is!  WHat a Gift!
Grace Period!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"I see Hope, Not Despair"
I'm so glad I know about this ahead of time
That death may not be far away.  Because
I am not in despair, but rather am filled With Hope
Like God Has Given Me A Fair Warning To
Make The Most Out OF The Rest Of My Life!
I See Hope, Not Despair, in being aware of The Temporary
In jesus' name,
amen

"God Has A Plan"
Don't worry, This is all A Part
Of God's Divine Plans For The Future.
That's why he answers prayers
God really does hear our prayers, and
He loves us each, more than anyone can fathom
God Interacts with me and other people of God
He interacts with all living things, he is constanlty
adjusting his plans for the future so that prayers get answered
and so that Our Prayers Help Shape and Mould
His Great Design of The Cosmos, Of Existence, Of Creation.
Don't worry, this is all a Part
Of God's divine Plan For The Future.
And He listens to my thoughts
And God Answers my Prayers!
In His own time, often... but Faith
leads God To BE MErciful and give us each
The desires of our hearts!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

"God Is My Father and he talks to me"
God is my Life PArtner, along with My Husband
He IS So Present And Loving To Me, He calls me "Daughter"
God is more than my friend.... he is my salvation
but enough about God's mercy.... it's wonderful enough to know
Just how very much he loves me, that "Schizophrenia" is really
The Delusion That One Is Talking To God!  But It's not a delusion!
Christians understand the "Still small voice within",
 "The Comforter Jesus said he would send to all Christians in John"
This is the holy Spirit!  I live my life having conversations With God...
And If that is delusional, you'd be suprised at what a holy, healing delusion
this is.  God wants me to bloom and blossom and grow like His Own Flower.
Who Knows... Maybe I will get my wish, my prayer, which is
to live to see my husband go first, for he is eight years older than me!
I desperately want to be buried by my husband in death.  That's why.
I think that the most soothing thing i could do for myself, is
to buy us a pair of side-by-side funeral plots, In Huge Advance!
I have a wish of laying beside him in eternity, just as i have
lain beside him in bed year after year, for eight years now...
Laying In Peace With My Husband Is My Honest
Concept of Heaven! Heaven
Is to be buried beside my loved one.
In JEsus' Name I Pray,
Amen

"I've Been Through Hell and I'm Terminally Ill"
I have been through hell and I'm Terminally ill.
The sad thing is, that i didn't know I would have a short life
Until a few weeks ago, when I was doing some research
About Schizophrenia...But I'm Fine.  My Faith In God
Is Greater Than any damning terminal statistics, because
GOD Is a miracle worker, and this awareness of my sooner death
is, to me, like a "Grace Period", between the rest of my life
and the day God Takes me Out Of This World, and I Go To HEaven
because I want to take this "Grace Period, this fifteen or so years I have to live,
(and i may yet live into my seventies, says my doctor, Im 31)
but I want to take Gods Grace Period, the remainder of my life, and
do something, alot of things, to become a better person, and do good deeds
I don't want to enjoy my life any more than I already do, I don't really do "Fun"
But Charity and Poetry And Family And Love And Kindness and Ethics and Courage--
That is everything to me.  Of Course I am not suicidal!
On The Contrary, I am trying to adjust my meds to maximize and lengthen my life
as long as possible.  I think all that time I have wanted to kill myself recently
Just Literally Flew Out The Window When I Was Blown Away By The Facts of
Schizophrenia... You see, schizophrenics, the ones that don't kill themselves,
are statistically twice as likely to die of heart diseases and cancer, diabetes, deadly diseases
Not only that, but schizophrenics Die, staticically,
 an average of 25 YEARS EARLIER Than The Average Life!  I cant expect to live past sixty.
I'll probably die around age 45....but it isn't going to be suicide
I am a fighter, In case my readers don't know my prior writings
God is merciful and God Is Morking Miracles In My Life.
There's nothing more inspiring than seeing your life as a "Grace Period",
your second chance to do EVEN MORE GOOD unto others, to love more,
To enjoy life more, to be kinder, to savor the five senses, to enjoy my beauty
...Also, Of course, i intend to continue writing poetry daily.
The prognosis of an early death blew my mind for a week or two.
There were some tears I cried that felt like Jagged Glass
Falling From My Broken Eyes, and I felt hopeless, and I couldn't write.
But The Test Of True Courage Is To Get Up and Preach On!
I have so much more to say as I learn to treasure my brief lifespan
You never know when satan is going to attack
God is Working a miracle In My Life.  He is making me
"An Instrument of His PEace", I am glad this happened to me
and not someone who is afraid to die!  I look forward
to the Judgement Day....
 Thinking about Being Judged In Heaven, Makes Me Smile.
God couldn't have given this cross to bear to a kinder, braver person.
In short....
I'm doing fine!  Will continue to write every day, maybe even more often.
There's so much to do with this Grace Period,
I really need to reach some conclusions through poetry!
I'm fine!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

"Love"
After A Long Life, I Honestly Don't Think That
Most People Ever Really Know What Love is
Very Few people know What It Is To Love,
 Everybody thinks they do of course
 but it's not love to me
I don't think they know what they mean
When they tell you they "love you"
I don't think they know what they mean
Depends on the person!
I Truly am at PEace With Whatever The Future Holds,
Because, I am deeply and irrevocably convinced
That I Have A Concept, A Grasp Of Love,
That I Have A Capacity, To Love,
The ability to Be In Love With Another Person,
 That Very Few People Have.
I know that If I Say I Love Someone,
It is a True Love, and Rare.
I am loved!
In Jesus name,
Amen

"Death Hath Not Conquered Me"
Death Hath Not Conquered me
Such an Evil was in my heart
and mourning and suicide, pain
were in my weary soul.
 How hard i fought! How Stubbornly!
How Brave This Little Light of Mine!
Death Hath Not Conquered Me!
I seen victory like fires from heaven
Even the very Voice of God!
In jesus' Name,
Amen!

I Walked In The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death
Death Was Breathing hot on my shoulders, hungry
For My Soul.  I Told Myself that There Was Sanctuary
In Praying To The Lord.  So I Did.  And Now I am better!
Not entirely better, but feeling much better, thanks to God.
Would that these deadly emotions that are abated shall never
Trespass thence again!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

"Prayer for Spring"
Ah, Lord. Would That Spring Would Come!
Would that the Earth in blossom would come forth
And the green things, and the trees reinvigorated!
Ah Lord!  That The Cold Would Abate, and be gonw
 That Winter be Banished from the earth for a season,
How I Thirst For Spring as a sad flower that needs water
I look around and see many dead or sleeping plants, but
very few living ones.  How Long can this Winter Last?
In my beloved hometown the trees are as dead twigs
broken and bent, my grasses and vines are dried and white.
Ah, Lord, Would That Sping would Come!
Posthaste!
In Jesus' Name,
 Amen

"God Answers Prayers"
God Interacts With Us To Plan The Future
God Answers prayers!  In fact,
GOD Interacts with each one of us
The comforter, the holy spirit, the voice within
God loves his children and Yes! He Answers Prayers
All The Time.  The Future isn't permanent or set in stone.
Instead, God likes to talk to us to help him plan the future
God is very Creative and he is and Interactive God
He loves to create new things, and loves our prayers
because they help him plan the future.  It's up to us to pray.

"Why I'm Not A Suicide"
Because,
I Always Put Others First.  I don't ask myself,
before helping someone or saving a life "Would
they do that for me in return?" I know the answer is NO
No I Never Ask Myself Whether They Would Do It In Return.
I Just Give, and Act.  Doing Good, Brave Deeds Is My Passion.
I'm not all caught up in whether the feeling is mutual.
and i don't expect anyone to have mercy on me!
I'll get get myself "into" that ambulance, and by 12 hours later
I had gotten myself "out"!
I'm a hero in my own heart.  I love my own virtue.
That's why i refuse to commit suicide! Because, I love my poor self,
I Pity Myself, I am selfless...and I'm not about to cause harm to
AnyOne, including Myself!  I never will!

i decided to marry theodore while he was gnawing at a chicken thigh at bojangles.
he was starving...
i feel in love with him out of kindness and pity
 and found out he had been homeless for years. homeless.!
I took him straight to my apratment and we made love and
he has lived here ever since. eight years ago, cupids arrow hit my heart
im still just as crazy over my husband of eight years, and he's still "Homeless"
or at least "Penniless"./...We are madly in love to this day
(We got married october 10th, 2009)

"My Sweet Baby"
I Have the Sweetest Little Baby
He Is Working So Very Hard At Work
He Comes Home Hungry and Eats Enough.
He IS My Darling.  He is my Love.
 He is my whole World, this is his "nest"
Babies Should Always Live In A Nest
With A Faithful and Loving Mother
My Sweet Baby Theodore, is my world!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"I'm Happy"
I am happy in my life, \i am well aware of being happy
and at peace.  The urges are "Not Real", I tell myself,
And How Could Anyone Be Grumpy On a Sunny March Morning?
I cannot, be grumpy.  It is a beautiful day.  There is an Easter Lily
In My Garden, and I am Fasting For Lent up to Easter.
"Death" and "Early Death"
annoys me...I try to put it out of my mind, which is easy for me...
I feel healthy and I feel Donwnright Good.  I Want To Get Better.
I Don't... have anything to hide, besides that I am fasting for Lent.
Serenity and Peace are filling my heart with a sense of All-Is-Well
And the mercy and faith in our God, Who overcomes ANY Diagnosis.
Praying helps.  Eating fruit and vegetables helps.  Having alot of Porcelain
Toys and little beatuful things all around my house, helps enormously.
Sheets on the bed, helps.  Hot Tea Helps.  The Little reminder of Fear
I brush it off my shoulders, trusting fully in a loving, merciful God
Who Has A Plan, By The Way, and I am just a part of it.  How small
is my life in consideration of others!  Even If I had money,
 I would give it away....to those less fortunate!
I'm happy!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

"Morning Hope"
This morning I arose to the sound of my husband's voice,
Telling me Goodbye for the day on His Way To Work.
Then I Sat Up In Bed, And Watched The Sunlight On The Ceiling
How Peaceful and Calm The Sun of early morning is
I thought to myself, nothing, in fact, I meditated and was at a loss,
Then I put my feet on the floor and went into the living room
and put on my housecoat and got started living my Day.
Every day on earth is a gift.  Treasure each one, alone or together.
Treasure the times you feel at Peace and full of tranquility!
Treasure the warmth of March Sunlight Beaming In Through Lace Curtains!
Treasure eating an apple for breakfast! Treasure turning on the heat because it's chilly.
Treasure every single day you are given.  Every One is a Gift from God.
If You Fully Treasure the daily pleasures of having a lovely little home,
Of having whole days and months and years to yourself, of food in the fridge,
If you Treasure the Springtime Come In Its Own Time, and all thing in Peace,
Love and Mercy and Tranquility...Just Putting One Foot In Front Of The Next.
Although One Doesn't Know how Long One Will Live, every day is a gift.
Love God, and be grateful for his little daily pleasures, and give to the poor.
Do not Dread Death.  There is nothing good that can come from dreading death.
Especially when you are facing a sickness that will come at you in ways to take your life...
It does not matter how long we Will Live....Just Enjoy What Time We Have,
To Live.  Wake Up Every Morning With Hope, tranquility, and peace.
I pray for God To Grant Peace To Everyone in Need!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!

"Karma"
The Reason You Have To HAve Faith In God Is,
Misery Will Eventually Turn into Pure Bliss!
Because God Doesn't Torture His Children Without
Rewarding Them Infinitely, In This Life Or The Next!
You Have To LEt The Bad Feelings Wash Over You
Like a Wave of Water at the beach, Let that Urge "Crash"
Right Into Your Heart, And Keep Living!  Life's Hardships
Are Plentiful and Life's HEartbreaks are Enduring Yet--
God's Grace Is Mercy!  So When You Are At Wit's End---
God Gives You a Reward For All Your Pain! I Believe That!
Let the bad feelings wash over you like breakers on a beach
don't let them fase you.  They will pass when heartbreak passes.
Times Get Rough....But Then...They Get That Much Better!
That is Why You Have To Believe In The Mercy Of God!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"Why This Apartment Is Wonderful"
It's Safe.  It's Safe. And It's Safety Proofed.
It's Home Sweet Home of almost Ten Years
It's My Only Home and The Only Place I Go
I Have Agoraphobia, The fear of leaving one's home
Hospitals make me more suicidal than ever
 If i was in in a hospital, i would be miserable
 I went to the doctor today he said i am fine
The Thought of Being Away From Home Is Hell
My Husband Theodore Adores Me, Lives here
This is like a fortress Built By Theodore and I!
Theodore holds me, kisses me, and above all, LOVES ME!
I am in my home town.
I have my family and they love me.
I just feel so safe here.
There is nothing bad but leaving home.
Amen

"Our Home Is A Safe Place For Us"
This Apartment Is The Safest Place For Me,
For The Long Term. I am loved here
My House Is Safety-Proofed
Even If I did Get The Urge,
I Have Really No Way Of Doing It
I am Preventing Myself from Harm
By refusing to keep dangerous chemicals
dangerous objects... even scissors....
are forbidden in my home
I am exactly Where I Should Be, Right Now
In A Nest Of Love And Bundled-Up-Joy,
A "LoveNest", with Theodore.
He Walks Home, When He Gets Stranded
He Texts me as he walks, the promise:
"I am Already In A Place Called Home"
and he kisses me hard!
AMEN

"The Suicidal Urge is Simply A Cross To BEar"
The Constant Suicidal Urge Is Just My Cross To Bear
I cannot carry JEsus's Cross... yet he can help me
To Carry My Own.  It's Just The Cross I Bear, like a Job.
I am a full time Gaurdian Over Myself and
"Not-killing-myself" is my only job, really!
It's up to me and Jesus Now! I CAN DO this!
Suicidal Urge is Satan, Fighting Satan is Goodness
If Jesus is The Christ, Then Death Will Never
Put Out My Light!
...In Face, On The Contrary/I Believe In EVERLASTING LIFE
Salvation.  I love my life, I can do my job of not-killing-myself,
I am extremely Good at my job.  It is my Cross To Bear!
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.  Meanwhile, I'm walking in God's Way
And Writing About My Precarious Situation
And Writing Poetry, almost as though "Writing" were
Ariadne's Golden Twine Given To Her Love Jason, To Get Back Out
Of The Labyrynth and kill the Minotaur, In Greek Mythology!
I can write myself out of anything.  I'm smart.
In Jesus' Name,
AMEN!

"Every Day, Is A Personal Victory"
Every Day That I Stay Alive,
Every day that I Refuse To Kill Myself,
 Is My Own Poud Victory.  Looking that doctor
in the eyes, knowing he would have me kill myself,
asking him how long will I live, until im fifty?  Forty?
He said who knows, i might actually live to be seventy.
He said it like a merciful thing, like He might not kill me...
I was grateful, and I thanked him.  He Smiled like a devil.
Suicide is the button my mind goes to when i need an answer.
Thoughts of "I'm Hungry"="Kill Yourself"  "I'm tired"="Kill Yourself.
Thinking "I have to pee"= "But instead, Kill Yourself in there!"
WHY, i do not know my brain revert to self destruction.
My Heart tells me not to ever listen to these impulses.
My heart is strong.  My Heart is proud and confident.
Every time something unfortunate happens to me or anyone,
"Kill Yourself!" Is the answer my brain gives me.
I am aware that is illogical....That's why I Override These Urges
Every Day that I Take My MEdication on Time and see my husband
Every day that I take good care of myself, even like i am my own mother...
All Of The "Mothering Instinct" the maternal instinct, prompts me perpetually
NOT To EVER Harm Myself... no matter What!  Even if Chris Dies.
Because There is more to life than that./Every Day Is A Great Victory
Over Satan Tempting Me To Cast Myself Down And Die!
If Jesus overcame Satan, that;s why I believe I Will survive
In fact, I am a fighter!  I want to live to be an old, old woman
And Die In Bed Of Old Age.  In about Seventy Years!
Every Day Is My Latest Victory.  I Can't mess up
When I get the urge, I think of jesus, and I Pray.
Every Day That I am Fighting Death's Inevitability,
Is making me strong and courageous, and a really good person.
Every Day I Live Is A Victory For Christ....And I'm Going
To Be OK...Because The Voice of the Holy Spirit Within Me
is enough to keep me alive for life!  You must listen to the
Still, Small, Voice of God...The Comforter Jesus Gave...The Holy Spirit!
The Holy SPirit....listen to the still,
small
voice
of
god
and know, that
NO, I am NEVER going to harm myself.  I'm not going
to let it happen.  and i've told everyone, including the doctor,
and i've safety-proofed my house against suicidal impulses.
There are no scissors, no glass, no knives, no weapons,,,
There are no Poisonous Chemicals allowed in my house
I am aware that I Have To Keep Myself SAFE.  And I DO.
I've felt suicidal all my adulthood....it's not something I
haven't always had, and always will... maybe, satan's cruelty
is part of what compells me to do good deeds, and pray,
and listen to the bible audiobook!  I have faith in myself.
I cannot drive a car.  I cannot do dangerous things. i know this.
Theodore always take best care of me.  I am his baby.
I love him so much more than I am suicidal!  I have Theodore
He is My Best and foolproof Reason To Stay Alive
We Are Madly In Love!  Old Age, Lord!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"I Don't Fear Death"
I am not afraid of dying.
I do not know why, but
I think I have seen
the Promised Land Before,
And I Think If Anyone
Had To Die, I'm Glad It's Me.
I'm that kind of a Person.
I said, I'm not afraid.
I am not afraid of death
The hardest per right now is
Looking into other people's eyes,
and realizing they will be alive
long after I Have died...that's
Hard.  It Hurts.  That's the hardest
thing.
I said, I Am Not Afraid of It!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.////

"Courage Over Pain"
Courage Conquers Pain,
With a Bit of Faith. I just
Found out I Would Be Dead
of Schizophrenia By age 45. I'm 31.
The Pain and Fear are So REal.
The Pain is so real, life cut in half
I'm never going to have grey hair!
I have about 15 years to live if that long
Well, Courage Really Conquers Pain...
I'm Glad this happened to me, and not
somebody else!  I feel like God Gave This Task
And I am such a Good Person that I don't fear Death.
I Really do believe in Jesus, eternal life, heaven,,,and YES,
God Answers Our Prayers!  Yes He Does! And Yes,
God Gave me something I can Handle
A Life SPan Cut in Half
It's not how long you live,
But What You Do With What Time You Have.
I Hope and Pray My Life HAs Been an Inspiration
And I Look Forward to meeting God and Jesus
When I Get To Heaven!  I am not afraid.
Courage Is Conquering Pain!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen Lord!////

"Heartbreaks Come"
Heartbreaks Come, all the Time, get used to it
Hearts Break and Fate Twists our Dreams into Our Fears Instead
When We Think We Can't Continue, You Just Have To Muddle Along
You just have to have faith in God, and put one foot in front of another
Treasure your Dreams and Wishes, and Never Give Up Hope On Them!
I still haven't gotten to the end of this life, and so, who knows, maybe...
God will answer my prayer after all?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"God:Who He Is, And Who He Isn't"
I Know God extremely Well, The Holy Spirit
God And Jesus Dwell Here In My House, with me
Angels do come in the form of the spirit and visit our house
And If want to Get To Know God (MY God), then
I Can Tell You Many, Many things.  First of All,
God Loves Those That Love Him.  If You Do Not Love God,
Then You are in Despair, For Those Who Do Not Love God
Are Not Loved By God.  If You have an idea, A Concept, Of God
And Believe In Your God, That Is Your God, And He is
The Creator of the universe, Omnipresent, Omnipotent
He sees all things, He knows all things.
Sacrifice Your Treasures To God, And He Will Bless You
Give to the poor, Carry Your Crosses that only you can Carry
And Be of A Stout HEart and a Humble Pride. If thee goest
Before The Judgement Seat Of God, (Praying), Come Humbly, Meekly,Come Honestly
 God is a Wonderful Santa Claus-sort-of Heavenly Father
He answers prayers, and Sometimes he doesnt, but no matter
How Mysterious God Seems at any time, he is always right, and always Good.
And God Is Always Looking Out For Every Creature's Best Interests.
Misfortunes do come, often they come, But You Cannot Blame anyone, including God
You must Forgive God and learn from your Mistakes when he breaks your heart.
If he punishes you, repent, and pray, and try to do better!
God Chastises His Children when they sin. because He Loves Them.
God Pretends He is very slow-to-understand anything....so you have to explain
 everything to him, so that you and He can dwell together.  He is like A Kind Dragon.
His Wrath cannot be understood by mankind.  And it must not be judged, for
at heaven's gate it is We Mortals that must be Judged, By Him....
No matter how hard things get...no matter how abusive or scary things are,
Pray.  Always be looking out for God to help you.  Pray!  He Forgives!
God Loves Us All And His Ways Are Not Our Ways,
Thy Will Be Done Lord God My Father In Heaven!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!