"Our Home Is A Safe Place For Us"
This Apartment Is The Safest Place For Me,
For The Long Term. I am loved here
My House Is Safety-Proofed
Even If I did Get The Urge,
I Have Really No Way Of Doing It
I am Preventing Myself from Harm
By refusing to keep dangerous chemicals
dangerous objects... even scissors....
are forbidden in my home
I am exactly Where I Should Be, Right Now
In A Nest Of Love And Bundled-Up-Joy,
A "LoveNest", with Theodore.
He Walks Home, When He Gets Stranded
He Texts me as he walks, the promise:
"I am Already In A Place Called Home"
and he kisses me hard!
AMEN

"The Suicidal Urge is Simply A Cross To BEar"
The Constant Suicidal Urge Is Just My Cross To Bear
I cannot carry JEsus's Cross... yet he can help me
To Carry My Own.  It's Just The Cross I Bear, like a Job.
I am a full time Gaurdian Over Myself and
"Not-killing-myself" is my only job, really!
It's up to me and Jesus Now! I CAN DO this!
Suicidal Urge is Satan, Fighting Satan is Goodness
If Jesus is The Christ, Then Death Will Never
Put Out My Light!
...In Face, On The Contrary/I Believe In EVERLASTING LIFE
Salvation.  I love my life, I can do my job of not-killing-myself,
I am extremely Good at my job.  It is my Cross To Bear!
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.  Meanwhile, I'm walking in God's Way
And Writing About My Precarious Situation
And Writing Poetry, almost as though "Writing" were
Ariadne's Golden Twine Given To Her Love Jason, To Get Back Out
Of The Labyrynth and kill the Minotaur, In Greek Mythology!
I can write myself out of anything.  I'm smart.
In Jesus' Name,
AMEN!

"Every Day, Is A Personal Victory"
Every Day That I Stay Alive,
Every day that I Refuse To Kill Myself,
 Is My Own Poud Victory.  Looking that doctor
in the eyes, knowing he would have me kill myself,
asking him how long will I live, until im fifty?  Forty?
He said who knows, i might actually live to be seventy.
He said it like a merciful thing, like He might not kill me...
I was grateful, and I thanked him.  He Smiled like a devil.
Suicide is the button my mind goes to when i need an answer.
Thoughts of "I'm Hungry"="Kill Yourself"  "I'm tired"="Kill Yourself.
Thinking "I have to pee"= "But instead, Kill Yourself in there!"
WHY, i do not know my brain revert to self destruction.
My Heart tells me not to ever listen to these impulses.
My heart is strong.  My Heart is proud and confident.
Every time something unfortunate happens to me or anyone,
"Kill Yourself!" Is the answer my brain gives me.
I am aware that is illogical....That's why I Override These Urges
Every Day that I Take My MEdication on Time and see my husband
Every day that I take good care of myself, even like i am my own mother...
All Of The "Mothering Instinct" the maternal instinct, prompts me perpetually
NOT To EVER Harm Myself... no matter What!  Even if Chris Dies.
Because There is more to life than that./Every Day Is A Great Victory
Over Satan Tempting Me To Cast Myself Down And Die!
If Jesus overcame Satan, that;s why I believe I Will survive
In fact, I am a fighter!  I want to live to be an old, old woman
And Die In Bed Of Old Age.  In about Seventy Years!
Every Day Is My Latest Victory.  I Can't mess up
When I get the urge, I think of jesus, and I Pray.
Every Day That I am Fighting Death's Inevitability,
Is making me strong and courageous, and a really good person.
Every Day I Live Is A Victory For Christ....And I'm Going
To Be OK...Because The Voice of the Holy Spirit Within Me
is enough to keep me alive for life!  You must listen to the
Still, Small, Voice of God...The Comforter Jesus Gave...The Holy Spirit!
The Holy SPirit....listen to the still,
small
voice
of
god
and know, that
NO, I am NEVER going to harm myself.  I'm not going
to let it happen.  and i've told everyone, including the doctor,
and i've safety-proofed my house against suicidal impulses.
There are no scissors, no glass, no knives, no weapons,,,
There are no Poisonous Chemicals allowed in my house
I am aware that I Have To Keep Myself SAFE.  And I DO.
I've felt suicidal all my adulthood....it's not something I
haven't always had, and always will... maybe, satan's cruelty
is part of what compells me to do good deeds, and pray,
and listen to the bible audiobook!  I have faith in myself.
I cannot drive a car.  I cannot do dangerous things. i know this.
Theodore always take best care of me.  I am his baby.
I love him so much more than I am suicidal!  I have Theodore
He is My Best and foolproof Reason To Stay Alive
We Are Madly In Love!  Old Age, Lord!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"I Don't Fear Death"
I am not afraid of dying.
I do not know why, but
I think I have seen
the Promised Land Before,
And I Think If Anyone
Had To Die, I'm Glad It's Me.
I'm that kind of a Person.
I said, I'm not afraid.
I am not afraid of death
The hardest per right now is
Looking into other people's eyes,
and realizing they will be alive
long after I Have died...that's
Hard.  It Hurts.  That's the hardest
thing.
I said, I Am Not Afraid of It!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.////

"Courage Over Pain"
Courage Conquers Pain,
With a Bit of Faith. I just
Found out I Would Be Dead
of Schizophrenia By age 45. I'm 31.
The Pain and Fear are So REal.
The Pain is so real, life cut in half
I'm never going to have grey hair!
I have about 15 years to live if that long
Well, Courage Really Conquers Pain...
I'm Glad this happened to me, and not
somebody else!  I feel like God Gave This Task
And I am such a Good Person that I don't fear Death.
I Really do believe in Jesus, eternal life, heaven,,,and YES,
God Answers Our Prayers!  Yes He Does! And Yes,
God Gave me something I can Handle
A Life SPan Cut in Half
It's not how long you live,
But What You Do With What Time You Have.
I Hope and Pray My Life HAs Been an Inspiration
And I Look Forward to meeting God and Jesus
When I Get To Heaven!  I am not afraid.
Courage Is Conquering Pain!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen Lord!////

"Heartbreaks Come"
Heartbreaks Come, all the Time, get used to it
Hearts Break and Fate Twists our Dreams into Our Fears Instead
When We Think We Can't Continue, You Just Have To Muddle Along
You just have to have faith in God, and put one foot in front of another
Treasure your Dreams and Wishes, and Never Give Up Hope On Them!
I still haven't gotten to the end of this life, and so, who knows, maybe...
God will answer my prayer after all?
In Jesus' Name,
Amen!

"God:Who He Is, And Who He Isn't"
I Know God extremely Well, The Holy Spirit
God And Jesus Dwell Here In My House, with me
Angels do come in the form of the spirit and visit our house
And If want to Get To Know God (MY God), then
I Can Tell You Many, Many things.  First of All,
God Loves Those That Love Him.  If You Do Not Love God,
Then You are in Despair, For Those Who Do Not Love God
Are Not Loved By God.  If You have an idea, A Concept, Of God
And Believe In Your God, That Is Your God, And He is
The Creator of the universe, Omnipresent, Omnipotent
He sees all things, He knows all things.
Sacrifice Your Treasures To God, And He Will Bless You
Give to the poor, Carry Your Crosses that only you can Carry
And Be of A Stout HEart and a Humble Pride. If thee goest
Before The Judgement Seat Of God, (Praying), Come Humbly, Meekly,Come Honestly
 God is a Wonderful Santa Claus-sort-of Heavenly Father
He answers prayers, and Sometimes he doesnt, but no matter
How Mysterious God Seems at any time, he is always right, and always Good.
And God Is Always Looking Out For Every Creature's Best Interests.
Misfortunes do come, often they come, But You Cannot Blame anyone, including God
You must Forgive God and learn from your Mistakes when he breaks your heart.
If he punishes you, repent, and pray, and try to do better!
God Chastises His Children when they sin. because He Loves Them.
God Pretends He is very slow-to-understand anything....so you have to explain
 everything to him, so that you and He can dwell together.  He is like A Kind Dragon.
His Wrath cannot be understood by mankind.  And it must not be judged, for
at heaven's gate it is We Mortals that must be Judged, By Him....
No matter how hard things get...no matter how abusive or scary things are,
Pray.  Always be looking out for God to help you.  Pray!  He Forgives!
God Loves Us All And His Ways Are Not Our Ways,
Thy Will Be Done Lord God My Father In Heaven!
In JEsus' Name,
Amen!